Making Lemonades

There's more to my heart than just romance.  

I've typed this sentence 3 times.  In a chat window while talking to Adi this nightmorn.  In my Facebook status and in my Twitter.  I did that because I want to express to everyone I meet and who asks me "am I single?"  or "why aren't you married yet?"  or "how's your love life, dare I ask?"  that something changes when you've had almost 10 relationships gone awry.  When 3 cheated on you.  1 you cheated on.  And 2 where physically violent. And 1 died.  

When something in your life never gets calibrated right, you should stop.  I did.  Well, I didn't stop completely but I changed.  I used to think that having  a love life was the "end goal".  I just wanted to leave home, settle down, have kids and grow old with someone.  But that has not been the case.  Life threw me lemons.  And against the expectations of more than half of the people in my life (all of whom thought I'd ended up married and tending to children) -- I am still single.  So, instead of turning all sour, I'm making lemonades.  At least that's what I'm trying to do.

I have learned that when you don't get exactly what you want, it should not stop you from wanting.  But it should propel you to change the idea of what you want the outcome to exactly be.  When you look at the essence of all things, there is something deeply engraved in our human longings.  When you want a husband, there's something deeper than just wanting a man to marry you and call you his wife.  For me, I  realized that I want a human being to be my partner in every adventure, every sorrow, every discovery. And when I realized that, I saw that a "husband" isn't the only one who can do that for me.  Friends can do that for me.  Close friends.  Kindred spirits.  And God.  

When I say I want to be writer and I realize that I do not have enough time in my day to actually do some creative writing, there is something more to wanting to write a book than just actually see the pages published in print.  For me, I realized that I like the act of writing things down. Things that I consider valuable and meaningful that I want to share with the people around me.  And so I have ventured into scriptwriting for training videos in the office.  Joined a couple of social networks.  Making sure that my status messages aren't just haphazardly phrased.  Collecting snippets of valuable things through an online commonplace book.  Sending SMS messages to friends cross-continental and making the meaning more encapsulated because of the limited character space. Maintaining a blog.

At the end of the day, the heart longs for meaning.  The heart longs for love.  And when we pine away for things that "we do not have" or actual outcomes "that never happen".  We put ourselves in a box.  At least, I think so.  Something inside me tells me that we are not meant to live "inside a box".  A Creator has created us to be more and tapping into that passionate pursuit leads us to open our eyes and recreate our own views of life that make us think we're failures when we do not bloom into the outcome that most people in our world expect.

My life of faith helps me a great deal when dealing with the paradoxes that interplay in every moment.  It helps me make sense of things that do not make sense.  It helps me receive the peace that surpasses understanding.  And it makes come to terms and accept that most people around me have a worldview that to be happy, I should be married.  Or, I should want to be.  

Right now, what I really want is to be happy where I am with what I have and with who I am.  With or without accomplishments.  With or without relationships.  Because at the end of the day, when you hear the last beating of your heart, you are alone in that space in time. And if I am not able to see my worth in that moment, I will have lost faith and there goes my redemption.

So yes friends, I have a love life.  I am in a journey to LOVING my life because that's what love-lives should be in the first place.

LOVE life.

Merry Christmas!