i write to believe.

Today was gratitude day.   For the first moment where I take in that deep breath and say "I'm on a vacation."  The breath is a slow inhale and exhale.  None of the hurriedness that forces me to jump from one minute to the next without thinking or seeing.  Today I try to count, though slowly, the things that bless me and on top is the delightful moment of eating french toast at the UCC cafe without worrying how many emails had I not read or if I was running late for a meeting.  Today was gratitude for seeing a sweet enchanting swirl on the creamy caramel froth of coffee that was warm on my lips and just about right for the morning. Sipping while quietly reading through words of encouragement from women who knew their way and found moments of grace in every single thing they saw.  I thought to myself, I want to be like them someday.   Today was gratitude for the time I was free to roam around my favorite bookstore without thinking...

It's an early morning quiet.  The weekend has ended and I'm off to another day at work.  It starts out with a serious 8:00am meeting.  My heart's half into it and half wandering off into a dream.  I linger here for most of the morning because that place has been quite soothing to me as of late.  The rhythm of her words and the photographs of grace.   I'm trying to learn how she says "eucharisteo" in every moment.   This morning, I give thanks and let me heart open as wide as it can to the blessings I seldom see. The birds vibrant in their chirping. The cloudy morning fighting off the summer's heat. The words of writers that remind me of a beautiful life that can be lived. The breakfast food I'm starving for. The work that's going to get done today. I'm trying out this habit.  Even when my insides churn to almost spit everything out in disgust.  It's only my bitterness working when I am not able to give thanks. ...

The past week and a half has been excruciatingly tiresome until I realized that it's time.  It's time to admit the full depth of my weariness.  It's time to admit the full extent of my weakness.   It's time to say, "I no longer can.  I've reached the end of myself." I've learned this a few years ago.  That when you reach the end of yourself, God's work can fully begin.  I've kept on moving into this place of rest.  In and out.  To and fro.  Battled with the struggle between pursuit and rest.  I've found it hard to understand what it means to "work hard" and at the same time "surrender".  I found it confusing to reconcile.   I've sought for answers in so many words.  So many people.  So many books.  Until I realized that I've been moving on my own capability to understand.  To intellectualize.  This faith I claim to live authentic.   I got it all wrong again.   Last wee...

I love this picture.  For some reason this is the only picture that I think I was really happy after I took it with my phone.  I love the colors and the pieces of paper that have gratitude written on them.  I took this at Walkway 2011.  It's a modern day Stations of the Cross set up by a non-denominational church.  I like how they made everything easier to relate to.  Closer to home.  If it weren't so much for the summer heat, I'd probably linger a little bit longer.  But I'm glad I went there today with some of the Youth friends. I have to admit that I've been really off since I came back from the Encounter Weekend.  I'm a little bit troubled by the frenzy that has kicked in which sometimes I feel masks as spiritual high amongst the young people.  I suppose it's always the youth minister's dilemma to remain prudent with discipline and to make sure they stay in truth's path.  It's not easy.  The past few days have been challe...

Another weekend's passed and I feel that I've covered so many things from a strategic planning session, to a Christian service teaching, to an apostolate fundraising brainstorming session.  The weekend was indeed full and I have to admit that by the time Saturday night ended, I was so tired that I fell asleep as soon as I hit the sack. But I have to say that I feel grateful for quite a lot of things because I never thought I could even go that far in my capacity to serve and help out a ministry that's struggling to get back up on its feet.  The words of today's readings echo in my heart and is suddenly starting to permeate my work-cluttered mind.   It's quite an affirmation because these were the same words that were whispered in prayer to my ear last Saturday by a dear counselor friend of mine.  It was uplifting and I'll echo them here on this page as Isaiah 65:17 says "The Lord says, 'I am making a new earth and new heavens.  The events of the past ...

The weekend has ended and I'm about to enter into another week that looks quite hectic and loaded with things that I am not entirely so excited about.  But I have chosen to learn how to be grateful for everything and I will start that by saying thank you.   Thank you for a fruitful ministry during our praise and worship practices. youth praise practice 03.26.11 Thank you for a new handy gadget that is entertaining me right now. (Yes secondary phones are necessary especially where I work.) samsung galaxy mini, the nokia e63 has conked out Thank you for conversations with Mom and Dad which don't really happen as often as I would have wanted but thank you anyway. not a recent picture but one of my favorites Thank you for a renewed faith in community and rejuvenated relationships with friends taken last weekend 03.20.11 after the retreat Thank you for getting the chance to eat another DQ sandwich yesterday. one of my favorite desserts And for those othe...

It is one of those Sundays where I am left pondering on thoughts I haven't entertained during the week because of busyness and other things.  So here I am sifting through these thoughts in an attempt to evolve into someone who is able to sit peacefully with them.   Accepting that they are part of human life and growing from the realizations I stumble upon as I write myself into believing in them. I find myself silenced in my own needs. Almost imprisoned by them. I want to shut them up and just escape them and yet I can't. It almost feels like I am forced to deal with them in this helpless disposition because I have tried everything and still I find myself in a place where I can't change my circumstances. When favorable interactions are present, I am assured. When they are absent, I am stricken with fear. And it is in this fearful place I am trying to learn about love. The discomfort is intense. It gnaws. It scrapes at my insides and yet to escape it is just to p...

I've started to find a rhythm of prayer that has somehow helped me get through the day.  Spending about 20 minutes of quiet time in the morning and 20 minutes at night has seemed to keep my emotions and thoughts well in order.   On my way to work this morning I realized that the multitude of sensory stimuli that we experience everyday from Facebook notifications, to text messages, to phone calls, to and overload of emails, to human interactions, to environmental noise, and so on and so forth is enough to make us feel all clogged up in our ability to respond and digest it all. Perhaps that's why we become irritated or annoyed.  Perhaps that is why we are never able to come to grips with ourselves when it is most needed.   There are just too many things to think about. Yesterday I was reading this article from Catholic Culture  and it emphasized the value of having a really good prayer life.  I've come to understand prayer as what allows us to attune ours...

Currently I am happy about. Receiving a copy of TRACES magazine for Marie.  She saw how much I loved Heather King's interview  and said that she will send me a copy of this magazine from her office. Marie Sarabia's package came in the mail today I am also happy about finding this wallpaper from Hillsongs United blog.

Tonight's dinner to celebrate my Mom finishing 6 cycles of chemotherapy was intimately gathered by close friends.  I still do not know what to feel about the past 6 months as it has been a mix of events that were challenging and painful.  But I briefly wrote a thanksgiving prayer that we prayed before meals and sang a worship song to lift up our gratitude.  I suppose for whatever it's worth, at the end of it all, God prevails. gratitude for family, health, love and friends. A Thanksgiving Prayer Lord God, what is gratefulness but the realization that we are where we are supposed to be at this moment. We thank you Lord that for the past 6 months of our lives, you have ensured us that we will never forget your faithfulness. You are a God who is always true to His word and indeed you have blessed us with the grace of bearing a cross that allowed us to share in your suffering but also share in your resurrection. We thank you for my Mom’s health and for all the love ...

Morning conversations with Adi about yesterday's Intercessory gathering allows me to breathe and affirm the spiritual movements happening in my life as of late.   I'm telling myself to succumb to this.  I have long resisted going in depth into writing about my spiritual experiences because it feels like it does not "cater" to a majority.  I didn't want my writing to just be perceived as a religious effort at conversion.  No.  This is not what it is about.   It is about walking a path that I have stumbled upon in the middle of life's complexities and how this path, the path of faith and the writing craft (art) has been helping me come to terms with everyday challenges and difficulties.  And so I continue and discover that as I capture the words the emerge inside my mind, I am actually unraveling a mystery. We were late for the gathering but it seemed as if we arrived on time for the actual intercession and prayer. They asked me if I can play some son...

Right now, there isn't much to say.  Today was long and the time passed very slowly.  My mind was wrapped around a tight knot and the migraines pulsated like it was never going to end.  I don't know what to say because there's just too much to say and I'm trying to figure myself out.   So here I am despite the difficulties for the past few days.  The constant and fluctuating directions which keeps me on my toes.  The emotions of a worn out soldier having just finished the day's battle.  Looking forward to the solace of a bed. I'm talking cryptic and I usually do that when I do not know what to say about something I want to talk about.   Life is hard.  Leaders make the toughest decisions.  And we endure moments that leave us as unsung heroes. I walked around the parking lot towards the end of the day and told myself, "I have to find it in me to be grateful about some moments.  I have to."