All Is Grace
The past week and a half has been excruciatingly tiresome until I realized that it's time. It's time to admit the full depth of my weariness. It's time to admit the full extent of my weakness.
It's time to say, "I no longer can. I've reached the end of myself."
I've learned this a few years ago. That when you reach the end of yourself, God's work can fully begin. I've kept on moving into this place of rest. In and out. To and fro. Battled with the struggle between pursuit and rest. I've found it hard to understand what it means to "work hard" and at the same time "surrender". I found it confusing to reconcile.
I've sought for answers in so many words. So many people. So many books. Until I realized that I've been moving on my own capability to understand. To intellectualize. This faith I claim to live authentic.
I got it all wrong again.
Last week, I finally gave up. I finally said, I've had it. I cannot bear the environment any longer. I cannot bear the suffocating feeling that it always leaves me with at the end of the day. And when I saw that I cannot just leave, that I am stuck unless new doors open, I will have to live with it, I sank into that place where I came face to face with fact that I'm in a really impossible situation.
In that place of defeat I sought for answers. Simple answers. Answers my weary mind can grasp. I could not go into the "difficult books" or the "difficult words". I only needed to know one thing. Can God take me out of this weariness? Can God bring me to a place of rest?
In one of my moments of pondering, I happened upon Ann Voskamp's blog where she writes about time management. It seemed like an answer to one of the questions I battled with. Will I have enough time to do what I really want to do given all this?
Her words reminded me that I bought her book that I've left unread on my Kindle. There I encountered the word eucharisteo.
The greatest thing is to give thanks for everything. He who has learned this knows what it means to live. He has penetrated the whole mystery of life: giving thanks for everything.
Eucharisteo. Charis. Grace. Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving. Chara. Joy
Ever since I encountered that word, I have tried to practice a daily habit of gratitude. And things have started to emerge. Things have started to move. I have begun to see the ways of God again. And I am slowly beginning to understand what it means to behold His presence in every little moment.
I am not there yet. But He is. And He walks with me every moment. He doesn't hurry me. He doesn't snap at my clumsy mishaps. He doesn't reprimand my oversights. He is gentle and not overbearing.
I begin to know Him again. And realize again, that all is grace and that it is only in Him that I will find true rest.