A nudge has prompted me to write on this page again. Perhaps it's a buried hope. That ounce of hope I thought I no longer had but has been unearthed. I start with small steps. Devoting some time on the reflections that are leading me to understand that my burdens come from a place that needs to be further healed. So I walk this journey again. Slowly and trying to let go of the burdens little by little.
She helps me walk. Believes in me and tells me that I am not alone. Many have gone through this as well and many have overcome.
The one thing I needed to surrender to Him this weekend was this great big fear of not being able to keep my life under control. I've hobbled my way to believing that this career and this current stature I possess brings me the success I could be proud of. I thought that being able to work this hard and live up to the expectations of many would earn me a semblance of peace. I was wrong. I can't earn it no matter how hard I try. I can intellectualise it. I can only surrender and yield and hope.
I've sought for the truth in many different places and in many different ways but no amount of intelligence or strength can make me understand why I am not completely fulfilled or completely happy despite the levels I have reached, the people I have helped, the money I have earned.
It comes down to one thing. Just one thing. Knowing that I am loved by a love everlasting. By the love that fills every nook and cranny. Every dark corner and every withdrawn space. It hasn't been easy getting to know God's love. It's intangible. It's elusive. For a time, I thought it was a mere idea that needed to be grasped. But it's not. Love is real and until I am able to understand this love no matter how much I am able to achieve in this lifetime I will never find myself complete.
So here's to a new journey that begins again.