I Wanted To Write
I have been wanting to write about the past several days but to no avail. The thoughts wouldn’t just form in my mind. The moments just pass by me. I had wanted to describe the feeling of thinking about my young niece as she boarded the plane back home last year. She has skin asthma and her mom sent her to the Philippines to get well because the weather in the US was too much for her. She’s only 3 years old. Traveling to and fro. I wonder what anxiety heaves behind her chest.
I wanted to write about walking around the village at night with friends on their bikes while enjoying the night air and the half-moon watching down from the skies. I wanted to remember how the silence felt like and how peaceful it was to be in so much quiet.
I wanted to write about the words of Madeleine L’engle that continue to haunt me towards the last few pages of A Circle of quiet. And the words of Catherine Doherty which are now teaching me to find importance in the practice of prayer.
I wanted to write about the awesome night of worship I attended last Friday and how the prayers were aligned to the groanings in our hearts. Where lukewarm faith should no longer be tolerated and the encouragement to seek even more hungrily for God to consume our entirety.
I wanted to write about my Mom’s difficulty and mood swings as she experiences with more intensity the side effects of her second chemo. And how she felt depressed that her blood test showed 4 low indicators in her immune system this time around. I wanted her to see more than just low numbers and see God doing something more than make the numbers higher.
I wanted to write about this pursuit of authentic faith and how challenging it can be to balance with all the obligations and the responsibilities around me. How difficult it is to see things you planned happen as you planned because of the wave of unpredictable circumstances all clamoring for attention.
I want to write about the impulses that my reflections make me feel. The yearning to possess utmost peace. The frantic search for meaning. The almost desperately thirst for the complete understanding of God’s love.
I am not able to draw out the words as deliberately as I would have wanted to but I hope this meager attempt can be enough.