Outside Looking In

I wonder if I'll always be in this state of feeling like I'm "outside looking in".  Every Sunday, I lazily wake up from my sleep and like most Sundays that have come I find myself always wanting to come to that point wherein I'm letting a torrent of words pour out of me for release, for discovery, for peace.  Today is just like one of those Sundays.

I spent yesterday at church for a whole day teaching on Shepherding.  I realized how very little I knew about it.  I also realized that I may have been going about this the wrong way in the past.  Being introduced to Ezekiel 34 convicted me and made me wonder how God never quite struck me down after all the mistakes I've made serving as a youth minister.  These teachings on Shepherding make me wonder about how I am towards people at work.  I know that I've made a conscious decision to really be a little bit more patient with everything going on at work right now but after my experience last week, I'm not sure if I can always be.  

Human as I am, being talked behind my back will always hurt.  But right now I am trying to keep my chin up and just follow where God leads.  Clinging on to the things that I've realized as of late.  The beauty of truth.  The profound realizations of the vulnerable.  The life that keeps going on and rising above these kinds of circumstances.   

People find meaning everyday.  And I want to be that kind of person who does.  

I wasn't able to write any songs last night as I would've wanted to do.  I also wasn't able to read much because I was exhausted from the day and not to mention that I received another series of emails from work that just really makes me feel I'm hard-pressed from every side.  At one point my brain started to pulsate and questions just kept on circling in my mind.  

Do they really expect me to be able to take all this emotional trash?  

Thankfully I was able to stop myself and remembered the church's teaching for yesterday.  God did.  He took our trash.  There is something liberatingly strong about that thought.  So I find myself seeking for that comfort this morning.  Having been left alone to myself this weekend, I waded within all possibilities of how to move forward.  

I just downloaded CS Lewis Narnia stories and hope to find time to sink myself into them.  I also downloaded a Narnia movie.  Been thinking about movies as of late.

For now, I'll keep writing to believe.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Art and Business

Letting myself unwind for the past couple of hours after an intense dialogue with executives on business strategy and leadership philosophies.  I ran into this video.  Aside from faith, what motivates me is my passion for art or any related artistic experience.  Finding a relationship between deepening my faith and learning about how artistic experiences can help this deepening process has been an ongoing pursuit for me since I graduated from business school.   I've realized how art can help me become more grounded and reflective in anything I do which translates to almost a prayerful experience.  This helps me understand why faith is needed in pursuing any experience and in understanding the aspects that strengthen faith, I am able to keep up with my perseverance of pursuing any experience.  An elective I took up in business school called "Self-Mastery and the Arts" has convinced me how important the impact of art is in one's life.  In that study, I...
Read more

Anxious No More

Image
There are many interesting things that have been happening to me these past 3 weeks. It's been a journey out of and into another chapter of my life.  And this chapter is the chapter that makes me face that thing I want to do the most.   Write.   The stories on this page have been slow because I've been trying to discover what it is that I want to really write about and when I ask myself this question, I begin to ask myself the most important question: what am I really about?  It doesn't feel so difficult to ask now compared to before.  I'd squirm and I'd let my gaze wander off into a blank wall or I'd stiffen up and change the subject because I don't really want to dig in too deep and ask myself that because I fear the answer to that question.  I fear having to say it out loud.  I fear having to type it out here.   What am I really about?  I don't really know.   I don't really have it all figured out just yet.  It'...
Read more

Lectio Divina | A Reflection on Yehuda Amichai's "The Amen Stone"

Image
It took me a week to finally choose a poem I resonated with among the six poems I was assigned to reflect on through the ancient practice of sacred reading called  lectio divina .  The experience of being in a writing course (albeit online) has given me the liberation to explore the power of words and unearth the gift I know I've long locked within.  The gift of realizing I have the same power as well. My writing process was a painful unraveling.  I could not write immediately.  I could not catch the thought and pin it down on paper.  I tried reading other books that would get the flow of creativity going and to no avail the anxiety caught on and forced me to take a break.  So I did.  And went back on it again this weekend.  I had to recalibrate my mind for 2 hours.  Removing the residue of the business mind that forces me to constrict my definitions of life in a less human sounding voice.  I began my  meditatio  o...
Read more