Outside Looking In
I wonder if I'll always be in this state of feeling like I'm "outside looking in". Every Sunday, I lazily wake up from my sleep and like most Sundays that have come I find myself always wanting to come to that point wherein I'm letting a torrent of words pour out of me for release, for discovery, for peace. Today is just like one of those Sundays.
I spent yesterday at church for a whole day teaching on Shepherding. I realized how very little I knew about it. I also realized that I may have been going about this the wrong way in the past. Being introduced to Ezekiel 34 convicted me and made me wonder how God never quite struck me down after all the mistakes I've made serving as a youth minister. These teachings on Shepherding make me wonder about how I am towards people at work. I know that I've made a conscious decision to really be a little bit more patient with everything going on at work right now but after my experience last week, I'm not sure if I can always be.
Human as I am, being talked behind my back will always hurt. But right now I am trying to keep my chin up and just follow where God leads. Clinging on to the things that I've realized as of late. The beauty of truth. The profound realizations of the vulnerable. The life that keeps going on and rising above these kinds of circumstances.
People find meaning everyday. And I want to be that kind of person who does.
I wasn't able to write any songs last night as I would've wanted to do. I also wasn't able to read much because I was exhausted from the day and not to mention that I received another series of emails from work that just really makes me feel I'm hard-pressed from every side. At one point my brain started to pulsate and questions just kept on circling in my mind.
Do they really expect me to be able to take all this emotional trash?
Thankfully I was able to stop myself and remembered the church's teaching for yesterday. God did. He took our trash. There is something liberatingly strong about that thought. So I find myself seeking for that comfort this morning. Having been left alone to myself this weekend, I waded within all possibilities of how to move forward.
I just downloaded CS Lewis Narnia stories and hope to find time to sink myself into them. I also downloaded a Narnia movie. Been thinking about movies as of late.
For now, I'll keep writing to believe.