Personality Splits and Report Work
A part of me wonders if I'm going to develop a split personality while pursuing this memoir writing project. I'm not sure when I will even finish it. It might take me a lifetime but I'm writing to believe that this God-given dream will somehow bear fruit in one way or another. It's been quite a journey so far and I talk about it more in the other page. It's funny how I feel that conversations online need to be segregated in different pages like different meeting rooms held in closed doors.
I started today thinking I might lose it because I was asked to create a plan for an ideal structure for the human resource team. I labored for 3 hours last night and almost the entire morning writing a plan that I'm not sure will exist after it leaves my desk and onto the decision maker's hands. So much of conceptualizing a plan for an organizational structure is reliant on how my intellect has understood the current situation, known the ideal situation and grasped the readiness of people to engage with the plan. I didn't want to write it at first for fear I'd be wasting my time but I realized that while writing it (similar to writing the memoir) I'm processing my own thoughts about this career I have committed my time for.
A helping profession they call it.
I felt like I was in a maze of mindsets. Thinking of what to say that will knock those walls down. To penetrate. To influence. To convince. To bring to light. It's energetically draining and yet, I am probably graced with some kind of strength because I finished it at 25 pages and 8,000 words. It's not the best and it's definitely not the kind I'd make when I was in business school. But, I think, it is what is needed.
This morning I read the bible and found these words consoling,
I am the bread of life and he who comes to me will never be hungry, he who believes in me will never thirst. It is my Father's will that whoever sees the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life. (John 6:36,40)
They console me in the middle of anxious thoughts. The pressing issue of having to defend a point to someone who's mind may not be open to reasoning. Yet, I risk the judgment of his perceptions in favor of my values. My principles. The things I believe in. And it's hard. It seems easier to just work with my eyes closed and do routinary jobs to pass time and get paid at the end of the day. But being a leader? It's risking yourself. So that something good will come out. And there's pain in that process. Perseverance to follow through means being willing enough to experience a bit of pain.
I cling to these words right now as my anchor. Believing that I will never be found wanting or lacking for I am fed by the Eternal.