Who I Am Now

In a few days I will have turned 34.  I do not know what to feel about being 34 yet.  It feels too old and yet I feel so young and inexperienced in many things.  I feel that I have not explored life enough and for the most part of it, they're spent cooped up in a cubicle of gray walls.  If someone were to ask my what my birthday wish for this year was, I would know what to say.  I'd probably look through the list of deliverables I have for work or the list of prayer intentions I receive in my inbox.  

This has been my life.  And I have learned how to live with it and find meaning in every space there is to catch breath.  

It's become very private and very solitary.  I share thoughts with only a few people.  I can last only a few moments in casual conversations.  But I can spend hours listening to someone's pain.  I can spend days absorbing someone's burden.  

I always keep wondering about my life but I never really look at it.  I always have a feeling that I can do more than what I am doing but I end up choosing restraint.  One of these days  I'm going to have to face all the questions I have about where I want to go and what I want to become.  But I think I'll never really be able to do that until I am able to wrap my mind around who I am now.

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