Sursum Corda | Lift Up Your Heart
The past few days have been extremely challenging for me. So many Christmas parties lined up one after another and there has been very little time to take a breather. The work environment at the office hasn't gotten any better and I'm starting to feel the weariness from carrying all that "heavy load".
Today, I made a decision. Today I decided not to do any work at all. And while I continue to worry about the events of the coming weeks, I'm standing by my decision. I don't want to keep doing work that no longer makes sense to me. I don't want to keep doing work that feels like I'm a puppet on a string. Today starts the prayer where I ask for new opportunities that will breathe in a me a fresh new beginning. Where I ask for illumination and wisdom from the Spirit so I know which way to walk.
Today I start the offering to heed the words of Christ when He says, "Cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden and I will give you rest."
I've noticed that my mind has been going on a non-stop cycle of trying to understand and comprehend the situation I'm in. The weight of conflict from people's interactions. The weight of work pressures from directions that are not clearly understood. The weight of forsaken leadership and partnership gone awry. My mind would go on in this repeat loop and the sound of a million voices reverberate from within asking questions that rise up to the center of my throat only to remain silenced for the sake of prudence. I've been asking myself out loud, why does it seem to never get better? What am I missing? What have I not done yet? What am I not able to bear and endure? What was I not patient with? Have I really given everything already?
Somewhere in the middle of a chat this morning I heard a soft voice whisper, "Not everybody can absorb the weight and depth of real human emotions. Some people prefer to wade their feet near the shoreline. Not everybody chooses to go into the deep." A voice of wisdom? Or was it just me casting judgment? As I ponder more about this voice tonight, I realize that the voice sounded consoling. It sounded like a grandfather's voice rich with wisdom from experience. It sounded like He was telling me one of the truths that are undeniably present in today's world. And now I'm posed with a self-reflective question, "What kind of person do I want to be?"