In the Stillness of Yearning

I find myself sitting in stillness and back on my desk tonight.  I arrived this morning and just wandered into the mall and letting the reality sink in that I am back in the city and I can no longer hide behind a vacation and I'm going to have to work tomorrow.  So much of my interior wanderings have made me reclusive in a sense that I am not able to interact with so many people at a time not because I don't want to but because something inside me feels "stuck" and cannot interact freely.  There's this knot that needs to be untied.  

I missed a very beautiful wedding of a friend today because I did not have time to think about how to get there and what to wear and all the other things that people think about when they're invited to weddings. There was just so much going on and as I think about my reasons tonight I think about the past year again and the year before that and the year before that.  

During New Year's Eve, my family and I prayed together and my Dad said that he prays for a healthy year this 2012. He was reflective of the events that happened over the last 3 years.  In 2009, he had complications with his kidney.  It was quite a scare for us.  It happened early in the year and we even had to go back to Cebu that January because the news that came to us was he was in critical condition.  During the Feast of the Sto. Niño, my Dad was healed and his creatinine levels went back to normal and we breathed a sigh of gratitude and relief.  I've never prayed so hard to experience a miracle until then.  In 2010, my Mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I prayed the same way but we did not receive the kind of healing we thought we'd receive.  Mom's was malignant and at Stage 1C.  Though upon reflection we were grateful that God prompted us early and through this stage we have grown in prayer as a family. Last 2011 and only a few months towards the end of the year, both my parents underwent surgeries.  For my Dad, a laparoscopy procedure on his knee.  For my Mom a surgery for incisional hernia just before Christmas.  

I stop there and recall further down in 2006 when my grandfather died just a little bit before Christmas as well.  And in 2007 when our favorite grand-aunt passed, just before Christmas as well.  In 2008, my grandmother passed just before Christmas as well. 

It seems that the past 5 years of my life has been an extremely difficult phase.  But along with it were experiences of grace for those years were the years wherein I have learned to start depending solely on God for everything.  And it was also those years when I learned how to let people back in my life and allow myself to love with the love of God.  But it was also those years wherein I realized that human love can never equal to God's love and there will always be the experience of disappointment and pain as I served in youth ministry and as I let my occupation at work be another place of ministry.

I wonder what the Lord has planned and and if this "phase" is indeed over.  Tonight as I ponder upon it listening to Misty Edward's duet with David Brymer, I softly pray that things become better.  Softly I pray that I experience a new revelation of who He is and come to know the joy of one who believes in Him.