End of the Week Realizations

It's the 12th day of being Awakened and it almost comes to an end but tonight I find this moment to just focus on what I have finally found so far.

I've found out that I am not alone in this journey and I have come across beautiful stories of women who have walked this same path and even wrestle with it still.

I've found that there lies in me a very intense longing to be consumed by the Greatness of God and to disappear into the folds of His cloak.  To rest like a small child in her Father arms and just be small like that without restraint.

I've found that there is more to path of gratitude and joy.  There is more to this awakening and I have not touched its essence to the core just yet.  In fact I have only just begun again.

I'm learning to be gentle with myself when I am not able to grasp certain things right away like handling certain problems or issues.  Understanding with depth the books that I'm reading.  Helping other people completely.  Trying to keep that perimeter open and yet also learning how to draw the line when I have had too much.

Right now I attend counseling & mentoring sessions with a lovely woman named Agnes.  She has been instrumental in helping me cope with the difficulties in the work place.  It was through her that I've realized how intensely repressed I have been & how a lot needs to really be sorted out.  I am grateful because I know that I need time away to sort things out.  I know I need to forgive a lot of people who I've felt robbed so much of my time & made so many moments so difficult to handle.  I know that I am no longer standing in the right posture and I've been warped & bent to an almost unrecognizable shape that straightening me out again will not be as easy.

I have forced myself into this posture like how Chinese women in their ancient ways were forced to bind their feet to fit into those tiny shoes.  Yes.  That is exactly what I feel.  But I am grateful that there are people in my life who have encouraged me to take this break and just stretch my legs.  Breathe.  Sigh.  Cry.  Smile.

Somewhere during the past 5 to 6 years, I found myself so incredibly exhausted with so many things.  Exhausted as a youth minister and exhausted as a leader.  Now it is this exhaustion that has led me to a desperate search for redemption.  And I find my way back to Ann Voskamp's book which I've read 5 months ago.  I plan to read it again, slowly and attentively this time and hope that together with all the other women who have found grace in God's goodness, I too will find it soon.

1000 Gifts.  The List.  Beginning.
  1. Touched by conversations with Jennifer last weekend.
  2. Following  her blog & realizing God's heart for me. 
  3. Chatting with Toni & receiving encouragement.
  4. An easy last day at work last Wednesday without interruptions.
  5. Planning workshop with friends who needed my help.
  6. Nerida Walker and her book
  7. Ann Voskamp and her book
  8. Finding my own blog re-awakened
  9. Discovering 31 Day Series "Awaken" resonate with this current season
  10. The trip to Europe for a second time with my family
  11. The chance to minister to Adi when she needed it
  12. Having the finances to buy what I need for the Europe trip
  13. Having an iPad, an iPhone and a laptop
  14. The chirping of birds and the quiet afternoon
  15. The new song I was able to write
  16. The afternoon sun that shone gently before dusk
  17. Migraine medicine that's helped me today
  18. Chatting with my friend Lulay to share about dealing with family who have cancer
  19. Mom's recover from her chemo & overcoming her cancer
  20. Dad's strength to keep working and earning a living
  21. The companionship of friends
  22. Work friendships that have stayed on
  23. New opportunities in sight
  24. Words that comfort me through writing   
I shall close with this song in mind tonight.  For all those people who have lifted my heart this week and see me through.


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