Into the Stillness
This evening I find myself silently huddling close to the Word. I'm stuffing myself with everything I could ever chew on that I feel would "protect" me from the "snares" that will attempt to steal my newfound peace as soon as I step back into the work-place tomorrow.
I've been working on this page for the past hours or so. Thinking that I cannot get enough of this "creative breathing space" once I find myself locked within the demands of my job. So I work on it and change the banners and the fonts like I'm changing living room furniture and upholstery. Silently I think to myself, I might not be able to do this ever again. So I binge.
I'm trying not to be frantic but inside, I know I am.
I take a deep sigh and let my anxiety exhale. There is nothing much that I can do. I'm going back to a place that I know I will never quite fit. And while I know God's grace will sustain me, the fragile human responses react in automatically causing my palms to sweat and my chest to tighten at every thought.
Breathe. I tell myself. I have found the truth again. I have been illuminated. Nothing can take away this peace. I fall into that trap of thinking that it is by my effort that I can possess and keep this peace. I fall into that trap where I think my faith is powered by a certain amount of will-power that should block the anxieties away.
It's a trap. I've recognized it. And this very minute I stop. Fall into the quiet and relinquish all the impulses that want to control the outcome of tomorrow.
I remind myself to be grateful. Most people do not know where they will be tomorrow. I have already encountered "the way I should walk in". I have been blessed with the certainty that I am looked after and all this. This messy transitioning life is just passing through.
I curl up into a small and silent ball. Shadows are closing in to sleep. And I place myself at the foot of the Saviour who walks with me in these valleys and leads me into the stillness of peace.