Into the Stillness

This evening I find myself silently huddling close to the Word.  I'm stuffing myself with everything I could ever chew on that I feel would "protect" me from the "snares" that will attempt to steal my newfound peace as soon as I step back into the work-place tomorrow. 

I've been working on this page for the past  hours or so.  Thinking that I cannot get enough of this "creative breathing space" once I find myself locked within the demands of my job.  So I work on it and change the banners and the fonts like I'm changing living room furniture and upholstery.  Silently I think to myself, I might not be able to do this ever again.  So I binge.  

I'm trying not to be frantic but inside, I know I am.  

I take a deep sigh and let my anxiety exhale.  There is nothing much that I can do.  I'm going back to a place that I know I will never quite fit.  And while I know God's grace will sustain me, the fragile human responses react in automatically causing my palms to sweat and my chest to tighten at every thought. 

Breathe.  I tell myself.  I have found the truth again.  I have been illuminated.  Nothing can take away this peace.  I fall into that trap of thinking that it is by my effort that I can possess and keep this peace.  I fall into that trap where I think my faith is powered by a certain amount of will-power that should block the anxieties away.  

It's a trap.  I've recognized it.  And this very minute I stop.  Fall into the quiet and relinquish all the impulses that want to control the outcome of tomorrow.  

I remind myself to be grateful.  Most people do not know where they will be tomorrow.  I have already encountered "the way I should walk in".  I have been blessed with the certainty that I am looked after and all this.  This messy transitioning life is just passing through.  

I curl up into a small and silent ball.  Shadows are closing in to sleep.  And I place myself at the foot of the Saviour who walks with me in these valleys and leads me into the stillness of peace.