The Call To Live Awake (Day 5)

Accepting oneself is not easy especially if you’ve battled years of struggling to find a place to fit in. The struggling to adjust to the people around you and not being able to bare your entire self as transparently as you need to exhale and breathe can feel like an imprisonment or slow suffocating death.  
Lately, I’ve been thinking about this because receiving God’s love means I receive it for myself and this love should be able to help me accept myself with all my flaws and idiosyncrasies.  I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around it  else I would be completely secure in His love all the time.  
God’s love is not easy to anchor on especially if acceptance and affirmation is something we always rely on other people for.  It’s not easy to anchor on to someone you cannot see, talk to or hang out with. But I’ve realized that by not anchoring myself on Him, I too am not able to completely receive other people’s love completely as well.  I will always doubt, question or be critical.  I will always wonder if what people share with me is real.  And I will always hurt when I realize that not everybody is as real as they would like to be.  
The fact of the matter is, nobody is as real as we would like to be until we have decided to get real with God.  Until we are able to get the guts to ask God to show us the truth about ourselves, it is impossible to become our real selves.
Last night’s talk with Sr. Isabel and Tita Malu made me realize that everything in this world passes away.  The recent calamities that affected my country should wake me up to the truth about how life is but a vapor.  The things that we see and experience everyday can pass away.  They reminded me that the only thing to long for is eternity because longing for eternity means longing for that eternal happiness and joy that knows no rejection or separation.
Living awake is admitting that what I have in this world and the possessions that I own will never completely create for me that haven of acceptance.  It will never be enough.  Self-acceptance is only possible once I’ve understood how God has long accepted me. 


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