i write to believe.

Tonight's dinner to celebrate my Mom finishing 6 cycles of chemotherapy was intimately gathered by close friends.  I still do not know what to feel about the past 6 months as it has been a mix of events that were challenging and painful.  But I briefly wrote a thanksgiving prayer that we prayed before meals and sang a worship song to lift up our gratitude.  I suppose for whatever it's worth, at the end of it all, God prevails. gratitude for family, health, love and friends. A Thanksgiving Prayer Lord God, what is gratefulness but the realization that we are where we are supposed to be at this moment. We thank you Lord that for the past 6 months of our lives, you have ensured us that we will never forget your faithfulness. You are a God who is always true to His word and indeed you have blessed us with the grace of bearing a cross that allowed us to share in your suffering but also share in your resurrection. We thank you for my Mom’s health and for all the love ...

wrapping words and finding phrases somewhere inside my room I never thought I'd reach the 1,001 reader mark in just about 3 months.  I was telling myself that I should not even look at this counter because it is not a measure of progress but of course, I can't help it.  Anything that measure any kind of progress should be affirming right?   I'm not sure about those who flip through my pages but I hope those who drop by here find a little bit of breathing space in one way or another.   So thank you dear readers, for visiting me and making this journey worthwhile.  I find it encouraging that anybody out there would even want to read these words.  It tells me that all is not lost.  That there is a purpose.  That life moves on.  That heaven watches and grace is enough. I'm sitting at my desk and just finished a report for a 3 hour meeting tomorrow.  I want to be able to write about some of my discoveries at work as of late.  Pe...

Thinking about visio divina and how weak I am with contemplation these days.  I stumble upon this great read from Image Journal's link in their Facebook Page.  It's an essay by Makoto Fujimura entitled Letter to Young Artists.  Akin to Rilke's Letter to Young Poets, Fujimura drives home the point.   Have you ever felt awkward, and felt the “lumps”? If you are an artist, perhaps you began your journey realizing that you are different from others. We have gotten used to having these “lumps” and accepted the fact that to the world the “lumps” looks strange and unnatural. Your teachers and your friends may not fully understand your intuition to try to fly with your winged “lumps.” What started out, at first, as trying to be yourself, may have become an effort to shield and protect your true identity from the world. Perhaps rebellion became the only path you could journey on. Your “lumps” became a defense mechanism, or even a weapon. What if Lewis is right, and you are ...

I got an email today reminding me that it's the feast of St. Paul's conversion.  So I looked it up and found this on Wikipedia.  This piece is by Caravaggio.  I don't really know much about him but I liked what his biographer said about what he had painted. Caravaggio biographer Helen Langdon describes style of Conversion as "an odd blend of Raphael and clumsy rustic realism," but notes how the composition, with its jagged shapes and irrational light which licks out details for their dramatic impact, creates "a sense of crisis and dislocation [in which] Christ disrupts the mundane world." Her observations about this painting hits a chord.  When talking about Christ, there always seems to be that painful sting that one experiences before that "overflow of love" can be comprehended.  Paradox. Irony.  Living in the crux and tension of everyday life while trying to behold the unseen and the sacred. I ponder a lot about these things but do not real...

It's something new I discovered today.  This meditative practice called vision divina taken from ancient spiritual reading practice called lectio divina .   Visio divina happens to be the same form of meditation except you meditate on images instead of text.  I'm reading Henri Nouwen tonight and I found it interesting that one of his spiritual exercise tell me Through the gate of the visible we behold the mystery of the invisible.  Prayerful gazing at the image offers us a chance to "see" more clearly into the true nature of things.  As you contemplate the image, try to see its luminous splendor, feel its majesty, enjoy its texture of colors, study its forms and symmetry, ponder the communion of Jesus, Moses and Elijah, and try to empathize with the reactions of the 3 disciples.  Then enter into the mystery of the transformation that takes place in the presence of JEsus on the mountain of prayer.  There, high on the mountain, the famili...

This was what I was gazing at while I was at mass tonight.  The compassionate eyes.  The faint smile.  They felt real tonight. I felt comforted as I pondered on the words below the painting saying, Jesus I Trust in You.   Mom came home by lunch time today.  Her 6th and final chemotherapy session was over.  I wanted to exclaim a resounding "Yes!" but it seemed to me that she was somber and reflective about everything.  Almost wary that this last cycle was the actual end.  Almost resigned to the probability of not being healed.  I wonder what makes it difficult for some people to cling on to hope?   Tonight, I trust in Him who knows the depth and breadth of every moment in my life. You should not worry too much about adversities. The world is not as powerful as it seems to be; its strength is strictly limited. Know, My daughter, that if your soul is filled with the fire of My pure love, then all difficulties dissipate like fog before t...

Morning conversations with Adi about yesterday's Intercessory gathering allows me to breathe and affirm the spiritual movements happening in my life as of late.   I'm telling myself to succumb to this.  I have long resisted going in depth into writing about my spiritual experiences because it feels like it does not "cater" to a majority.  I didn't want my writing to just be perceived as a religious effort at conversion.  No.  This is not what it is about.   It is about walking a path that I have stumbled upon in the middle of life's complexities and how this path, the path of faith and the writing craft (art) has been helping me come to terms with everyday challenges and difficulties.  And so I continue and discover that as I capture the words the emerge inside my mind, I am actually unraveling a mystery. We were late for the gathering but it seemed as if we arrived on time for the actual intercession and prayer. They asked me if I can play some son...