i write to believe.

I have to admit that as my writing rhythm waned, so has my prayer life.  I have not been able to balance the time in between.  As more things need to be done at work, I need more time to learn about them.  The time I use to learn more about work becomes time away from deepening my spiritual life.  How can I find the wisdom to always have a good balance between the two?   The load of work becomes an impenetrable wall that encloses me into a routine of thinking only about what needs to be done.  Compartmentalization does not do me any good at all.  It keeps me from being integrated and responding in a peaceful way to the circumstances that stretch me beyond my usual capabilities.   So I find myself browsing through my subscriptions this morning.  Firstly, finding that the anxiety of pondering over these things is being washed away by the background music of Katherine's page .  I've been  trying to catch up on her posts and draw to o...

I'm trying to get comfortable and reacquainted with this page which I have promised myself to become the home for my words.  I've done a little bit of "spring cleaning" and removed a lot of unnecessary clutter that just take away my attention from what I really needed to focus on.  Perhaps it is the changing of seasons.  When work becomes busier I need to be quieter.  I need less rowdy interaction.  I need more spaces of pondering.  I need more time to exhale and find peace.   But it becomes such a paradox because when I am busiest, all this is so hard to achieve.  To find that creative part in my mind and lock in to a flow that liberates me from mindless paralysis is something that I have never fully achieved yet. My words are stumbling clumsily over this page.  I have lost ear to the cadence that pulsates when I hear my thoughts and are comfortable with them.  It's like not feeling my own heartbeat.  So much of my thoughts about...

Quiet.  That's all I need.  A chance to hear myself think.

I didn't take pictures of last night.  The laughs.  The jokes.  The hi-fives.  The colorful drinks.  It has been quite a while since I just let myself enjoy the moment and really appreciate the company of friends.  The past few months have been loaded as I have written in the last few posts.  But last night, gave me something most unexpected.  Last night, I felt my birthday.   And feeling my birthday, means feeling grateful.   I am grateful that I am alive and that I have been able to hurdle a lot of challenges that could have brought me down in an instant.  I am grateful that I am able to find my place despite the unstructured environment at work.  I am grateful that I know who I can be myself with even though I continue to not be so sure of who I am.  I am grateful that I have bridged gaps in my family and other relationships.  I am grateful that I have the strength to help others even when I am not always good at...

He taught me what it meant to win in life.  He knew how to be a winner.

In a few days I will have turned 34.  I do not know what to feel about being 34 yet.  It feels too old and yet I feel so young and inexperienced in many things.  I feel that I have not explored life enough and for the most part of it, they're spent cooped up in a cubicle of gray walls.  If someone were to ask my what my birthday wish for this year was, I would know what to say.  I'd probably look through the list of deliverables I have for work or the list of prayer intentions I receive in my inbox.   This has been my life.  And I have learned how to live with it and find meaning in every space there is to catch breath.   It's become very private and very solitary.  I share thoughts with only a few people.  I can last only a few moments in casual conversations.  But I can spend hours listening to someone's pain.  I can spend days absorbing someone's burden.   I always keep wondering about my life but I never really look...

The past few weeks have been really busy.  I cannot even begin to describe how busy it has been.  But I am also glad that even though it has been really busy I feel that I've been making some kind of progress.  Things feel like they are moving forward at work.  I was also able to get a some kind of breather and tapped into my creative side during Adi's visit.   Now that one was a pleasant surprise.  It was only then that I felt things managed to put themselves back into order.  It's funny how people in my life become guideposts and become like anchors that bring me back to my center especially when a lot of things are in disarray.   Adi's become like that anchor.  She reminds me of my deepest desires.  To live a life filled with creativity and authenticity.  One that always seeks beauty in all things.  One that breathes all moments in.  One that savors all good conversations.  One that cradles every meaningful m...

I've been writing mostly in my journal these past week or so because I have not had the time to get my thoughts organized enough to write in public.  Again.  It seems to be a cycle with me.  The rhythm of pulling myself together makes me withdraw into the shadows especially when I am trying to do a lot of things all at once.   Right now, work has taken first place.  It's not such a bad thing.  I'm actually doing something new and interesting but it's not that easy to pull everything together when expectations are not that clear and you don't really know where everything is headed.  I'm learning how to take uncertainty for what it is.   My dog Bailey died the other day.  I haven't really allowed myself to look at this circumstance in the face.  But when I tried to look through his pictures there was definitely an ache.  I've never been so close to a pet as I have been with Bailey.  His company felt so real.  Almost hu...