i write to believe.

I got this little book from my grandmother's library last Christmas.  She has a lot of these.   When she passed away, I asked my Mom if I can take some.  This was one of the books I got (amongst others).  I love the old leather binding.  The typeface and her cursive script.  I love old things and their meaning and I love how I remember all these things on a Sunday.   I read chapter 1 again to myself.  Out loud.  Softly.  Imagining if St. Thomas were to read this to me, how would his voice sound?  Would I be changed in an instant?  Would I embrace the truth he provokes me to believe?   The road that stretches before the feet of a man is a challenge to his heart long before it tests the strength of his legs.  Our destiny is to run to the edge of the world and beyond, off into the darkness: sure for all our blindness, secure for all our helplessness, strong for all our weakness, gaily in love for all the pres...

I have been reading "Forgotten Among Lilies" for the past 3 weeks now.  I'm 72% done says my Kindle eReader.  I've decided that for me to really get into what I read, I'll keep sharing some excerpts here since writing helps me believe. Today I read Fr. Ronald's Rolheiser's reflection on how the Church has been divided.  He writes with a voice of true seeking.  I can understand how he must have felt he went on a far limb.  But doesn't one who loves really go that far just to stretch the capacity of how their hearts can hold on to an embrace?  And isn't being Catholic a huge embrace of diversity?  The tension is clear.  The discomfort is present.  But to me, his message is love.  To continue to love.  As wide.  As high.  To the ends of the earth.   {all photos from adi mari's page } His words are close to home because these are the words that ring true in my very own ministry. We live in a time of pain ...

Today was a special day for me because I got to do "girly" things with my sister and my Mom.  I rarely go to the parlor and have my hair and nails done because I don't have time but Mom decided to treat all of us to a parlor day.  It was quite relaxing and it occurred to me that I'd like to have more moments like these with my family.  Lighthearted and peaceful.   For many years, I've always been the subject of contempt from hairdressers because I've always wanted to dye my hair black.  No undertones or overtones.  Just black.  My hair is naturally black but because of its frizziness and the humid Philippine weather, it grows out from its colored dye of either burgundy or chestnut brown, into a dull colored shade of brass.  Since I look very Asian, they said that to dye it just black would make me look plain or some would say, I would look too sharp featured.   Five years ago, I would probably have agreed with them but at this point...

This weekend felt other-worldly.  I was mostly home alone and the weather was cold and raining.  I woke up before dawn on both days for some reason and had time to just take everything in.  The life that went by this past year.  The difficulties and the remaining challenges at its close.  This very moment, my mother is having an operation for incisional hernia and while I was dressing up for work I could not help but stare at my fear in the face.  What if this Christmas won't be a nice and peaceful one?  What if I will get stuck in a job that will stifle the life out of me?  What if the coming year will not bring me new opportunities to look forward to? I looked back at the weekend that I allowed myself to revel in.  Soaked in the words of my books and spent some time looking at travel blogs that showed me a life existing in the big world out there.  I looked at all the things that have happened that felt like an exhausting train ...

I have been reading Heather King's latest book entitled Shirt of Flame this weekend.  I've felt it finally calling me and found myself hungrily absorbing all the words.  I somehow hit a low spot after a busy week and found myself asking those questions again that led me to wondering what am I really supposed to do in this life?   The awful feeling of being locked in on a circumstance that is beyond my control puts me in a situation greatly in need of contemplation.  So I find myself wading in her words that allow me to feel what I'm feeling and learn how to be comfortable with the tensions that normally come with growing up.  Here are a few of my favorites so far. ...Yes, I'm deeply grateful to be sober and to have been supported by a job as a lawyer for a time, but it's not for me.  I can't and won't do such work anymore, and if I have to be thought of as a quitter, disappoint my parents, bewilder my [now ex-] husband, and possibly beco...

Upon Heather King's recommendation of Fr. Robert Barron's book, I immediately got a Kindle Copy.  I've fallen in love the first few pages of chapter one.   It all begins with jest.  The essence of comedy is the coming together of opposites, the juxtaposition of incongruous things.  So we laugh when an adult speaks like a child or when a simple man finds himself lost amid the complexities of sophisticated society.     The central claim of Christianity--still startling after two thousand years--is that God became human.  The Creator of the cosmos, who transcends any definition or concept, took to himself a nature like ours, becoming one of us.  Christianity asserts that the infinite and finite met, that the eternal and the temporal embraced, that the fashioner of the galaxies and planets became a baby too weak even to raise his head.  And to make the humor even more pointed, this incarnation of God was first ma...

Today was one of those days that just reminded me how things can fall into place without much effort at all.  Unforced rhythms of grace.  I'd call it that.  It started with a light conversation with my Mom over breakfast.  Saturday mornings aren't usually cheerful in my household but this morning it was.  We talked about books and how it would be nice to own a small and quaint bookshop and sell titles we'd normally not find in our area.  I immediately thought of all the books I have and how wonderful it would be to have conversations with people who were interested in them.   I love reading.  I've loved it since 5th grade.  But my taste for books have changed over time and now they have narrowed down to a few categories.  Most of the books that move me now are those that touch my spirit.  A novel would occasionally allow for a beautiful escape when days are mostly lived with too much toil and a plane ticket to somewhere it not...

I'm hobbling.  Yes.  I'm hobbling along this page with great dreams of writing and an inconsistent rhythm as I battle with words.  But this morning I found something.  A spark.  A breath of fresh air.  A new rhythm.   My gaze landed on this book I bought around 2 weeks ago.  It belonged to the batch of books I bought on impulse because I liked their book covers.  This one caught my eye because of the spread of angel's wings and the title.   Angelology .   I'm reading it slowly.  I don't want to rush into it.  The words melt on the palette like the banana caramel roll I just had for dessert.  It's one of those books you'd rather read on a rainy day but since it's not the least bit cloudy today, I'll take it as a holiday read.  It's forcing me to take the day off on Friday just so I won't lose the rhythm since I only have 3 working days to follow through this week.  Should I?  I should.   ...

I'm currently reading a novel written by a Filipina who is the first ever Filipina published by Random House.   Samantha Sotto is an online friend .  I met her in Shewrites.com when I was still actively pursuing my writing rhythm early this year.  Unfortunately that has been fluctuating given all the demands of my day job.  But it never stops me from enjoying a good story. I've been looking for a good read for the longest time.  A story that will just hook me in and give me another world to visit.  I'm just on the 25th page of Samantha's book and it's tantalizing.  Just the right amount of anticipation.  The imagery of Europe is magical through the lyrical descriptions in her words.  I want my Saturday to be filled with enjoying every turning of its pages. Sam, you inspire me to keep pursuing writing.  Congratulations on this one! got my copy in national bookstore

Yesterday I spent most of the morning writing in my journal.  It was quite a release.  Introspection in longhand is almost like an art that's lost in this internet age.  So in the middle of the rain and sparks of thunder and lightning while the internet got cut I took the opportunity to do it the old way.  I realized that there are some things I can say on a piece of paper and not be able to say online.  The honesty that gets drawn out of me as I hold my pen and scratch the surface of my journal with words is an intimate act of making sacred reveries. Yesterday I was restless for creativity.  Two hours of writing about it and figuring out the creative urge led me trying to paint with my fingers and sing old songs from the faded sheet music of my favorite grandaunt Filomena.  I listened to my voice and how comfortable it was singing the warm melodies of 1950s music.  Finally my camera, which I have not used in a long time beckoned and I found myse...

I wonder if I'll always be in this state of feeling like I'm "outside looking in".  Every Sunday, I lazily wake up from my sleep and like most Sundays that have come I find myself always wanting to come to that point wherein I'm letting a torrent of words pour out of me for release, for discovery, for peace.  Today is just like one of those Sundays. I spent yesterday at church for a whole day teaching on Shepherding.  I realized how very little I knew about it.  I also realized that I may have been going about this the wrong way in the past.  Being introduced to Ezekiel 34 convicted me and made me wonder how God never quite struck me down after all the mistakes I've made serving as a youth minister.  These teachings on Shepherding make me wonder about how I am towards people at work.  I know that I've made a conscious decision to really be a little bit more patient with everything going on at work right now but after my experience last week, I'm not s...

Yesterday my brain was revved up with a lot of Excel analysis.  Finally got some traction on compensation management initiatives.  Finally got the leaders to thinking about how people are being paid.  Speed reading theories on compensation such as range penetration has been useful.  This is not my expertise but I think I like it because I like Excel.  It makes me feel I have super powers.  Whipping a little bit of formula threads here and there and voila!  What I want appears on the screen with very little effort.   I wish things in life were as easy as Excel formulas.  But unfortunately it isn't.  Right now I'm thinking about a myriad of things all at the same time.  An upcoming youth encounter retreat.  A mix of roles and role definitions that need to be laid out clearly.  A decision making process of a boss that fluctuates more than the weather.  Books that I haven't touched and read in the longest time.  Mus...

Ideas for writing surfaces during nightmorn after quite a few restless moments yesterday. Bombarded by busy-ness and work issues I had to put this on hold for a bit. But I'm glad it has surfaced in my conversation with Adi this morning. adrienne: just keep the process organic. ORGANIC. me: i'll take note of that in my journal me: how do you keep a process ORGANIC adrienne: like just feel your way through it. dont try to analyze write down anything that surfaces in your head if it surfaces, it means something and just keep praying for the play/story to stay with you and ask you to write it. I was telling her about how difficult it is for me hold on to a thought I want to write about especially when I get busy or feel anxious or experience a strain in a relationship. Yesterday I was jotting down my thoughts on my journal and realized how much I think about a lot of things. I wasn't sure if I was being coherent at all as I let the words just declutter themselves on pape...

I’m on the 15th chapter of Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey a book that I had chosen to finally buy yesterday afternoon because I needed something that will help me make sense of all the things that do not make sense happening as of late. I have not read a book this fast since I was in highschool. But this one, I devoured hungrily because it had all the painful questions I want to ask about the faith and it talked about all the struggles associated with not being able to find answers. If I were to talk about my life in a chronology, it would be painfully confusing because fragments of the past and present would intertwine and merge themselves into a reality of my own understanding. At this point I am confused whether to write for an audience or to write simply for myself. The toggle bar on the upper right hand remains unmoved from my private blog and it looks like I will let it stay here. My palms sweat a lot these days. And there is just so much unrest because o...

Madeleine L’Engle’s books arrived from my Amazon.com order on July 14, 2009. I was ecstatic. I picked them up at the post office myself and couldn’t wait till I got home to open them. It has been over a year since I started with the first volume of the Crosswicks Journals and now I am proud to say that I have finally reached the last few chapters and am 80% finished. I have to confess, I’m such a mighty procastinator when it comes to my creative life. Reading through Circle of Quiet has shook me at an intensity of 7.1 in the Richter scale. It had me face the facts. I am scared to pursue my dream of becoming a writer because I feel that this desire has been invalidated 5 years ago when I decided to take a detour and go for an MBA to meet my parents’ expectations of giving myself a stable future. I am scared to journey alone. I am scared about the amount of time it would need from me and I am not sure the weight of work obligations will allow me to do what is needed. I am scared t...