i write to believe.

The smell of printed paper and freshly poured ink permeate the warehouse.  The machines buzzing noisily echoes around the walls.  We were on an intense race to reach our delivery commitment the past few days and everyone is on their toes. The environment was tense.  It had started yesterday.  Phone call after phone call.  It never seemed to end.  All I could keep thinking was, I just wanted it to be over.  There's one more day to go this week and if I had not written that post last Sunday, I don't know where I'd be as of this moment. But all is grace.  He is faithful in His silent whisperings.  Reminders nudge deep inside the heart where the clamor of problems that need for solutions reverberate.  I don't know how long I can last an environment like this.  But grace helped me rise above what I felt was an impossible situation and deal with it.  It burns, oh how it does.  When questions are not answered an...

The saga of work environments continue. The past week has been filled with a mix and match of different things.  Activities that allowed me to envision a future of opportunities in the creative industry and activities that kept my mind locked in the unending attempt to fix the present day toil to produce "our daily bread". My interior resolve to keep moving along despite the tremendous heat-scorching discussions about strategy, method and beliefs continue to stretch me to my limits.  What an intellectual battle this is.  Not to mention a spiritual one. While I attempt to remain what the Good Book says "a peacemaker" so that I may be graced with the Blessedness to be called "sons of God"  I am finding it to be such a great challenge to keep my "own peace" amidst all this. Woven into an intricate thread of relationships, I am trying to find a better title for myself just to describe what it is that I do.  And I feel that it is imp...

I saw this video in a friend's Facebook page.  Watched it.  Thought to myself.  I should play this video for people who often misunderstand me and what I am about.  Why I easily tire when I'm around people.  Why I am never stimulated when I am amongst crowds.  Why I would rather lock myself up in my room and cuddle up on my couch with a good book.   It's painful really.  To often face other people who do not understand your need for Quiet.  It's also painful when you do not find people who need the same thing as you do.  I've been thinking about this for quite a while now.  How I am often finding myself alienated amongst the majority because I am an introvert.  And how I value contemplation a lot more than the constant need for activity.   More and more I find that it is necessary to admit this part of me that longs to withdraw from the crowd every now and then not so much because I am anti-social but because I find t...

The past week has gone on with a series of stories and changing events.  One minute I'm focusing on counting machine hours and now I'm focused on understanding the creative industries that the business of my work intersects with.   In the middle of it, I try to keep up with the daily life of a faithful and miss out unfortunately on some of the things that would have increased my understanding about the mysteries of this life.  I am beginning to realize that if I want to deeply meditate on the faithful's life, it will take so much time that I need to be doing just that and not do anything else.   I easily get drawn in to things that require pondering.  It's almost an addiction.  It's like how I prefer to just read instead of go out to the mall and walk around.  How I prefer to write instead of engage with conversations that bore me.   I was participating in this Skype conversation between my uncle and my Mom this morning.  It was...

This morning I ponder upon one of the meditations written by Francis Fernandez in "In Conversation with God".  I have forgotten to read yesterday's words and so I catch up on my devotion by squeezing it in today.  How apt that he quote from Escriva's "Furrow" and say,  The Lord needs strong and courageous souls who refuse to come to terms with mediocrity, but who will be able to enter all kinds of environments with a sure step. {Josemaria Escriva, The Furrow, 405} I've been constantly been entering into all kinds of environments the past few weeks.  Having decided to continue on with youth ministry has given me quite a lot of time and strength to help the younger ministers steady their walk as they sift through the ministry issues and the path they want to walk.  It's taken me from sitting with them in their musings and praying with them in their intellectual struggles to meeting with them almost everyday of the week to simply hear them out...

This week, I had experienced some sort of a crucifixion that made me realize how wounded work-places can get.  People in the work place need ministering too.  But I am young and inexperienced compared to most of them who are all in their mid-40s or early 50s.  What can they learn from someone like me?  Sometimes I find myself wondering if I have lost my place and purpose but there are times when I see it very clearly.  Three years ago, my Mom had told me when I just started here, "Be the miracle."  I wonder if I have already been one. January is about to end and the second month of this year is about to begin.  There are quite a lot of new things brewing and growth is being anticipated.  There are areas at work that have started to change for the better.  Areas of youth ministry that have responded more authentically to what needs to be paid attention to.  There is this sifting and this morning I just sit still and ponder abou...

It's hard to wash away the residue of busy-ness when I don't get into a moment of real silence.  Thoughts just barge in unwanted like, the list of reports due on Tuesday, or the unfinished timelines for a sales plan. This week, I had to get into that mind-frame of shutting out everything else just so I can calculate the hours of how long a project runs until its finished and how much more do we lack to reach a month's worth of sales.   Somewhere in between is the effort to fight off having to struggle with decisions that do not make sense and the question of how long till the realization of support be heeded.  It is that effort of balancing not having to retaliate to every person who can't quite grasp your situation that they unreasonably make conclusions of your lack of progress or your lack of compliance so that you can be more Christ-like in your openness to understand them and in a way find a solution that can appease your own misgivings and theirs.  ...

Reading Christa Well's blog tonight reminded me how I've been absent from my writing the past couple of days and how I need to remain faithful to the journey of being better at my craft.  It's plain and simple.  I write to believe.   She puts it in a something I can easily digest tonight ,  I write songs to communicate with other people, but I write also to imbed more deeply in my own soul the truths I know I'm in need of.   I've gotten back into the daily grind and it's been just two weeks since my vacation and I feel quite detached from the solace of the holiday.  A part of me feels disappointed that I seem to have lost "this peace" but a part of me feels hopeful.  I seem to be moving into a new thing.  It feels like God is doing something new.  While the circumstances surrounding my situation at work seems to not have fully turned around and while I struggle with these feelings of discouragement, I am slowly finding a foothold i...

The past few days have been extremely challenging for me.  So many Christmas parties lined up one after another and there has been very little time to take a breather.  The work environment at the office hasn't gotten any better and I'm starting to feel the weariness from carrying all that "heavy load". Today, I made a decision.  Today I decided not to do any work at all.  And while I continue to worry about the events of the coming weeks, I'm standing by my decision.  I don't want to keep doing work that no longer makes sense to me.  I don't want to keep doing work that feels like I'm a puppet on a string.  Today starts the prayer where I ask for new opportunities that will breathe in a me a fresh new beginning. Where I ask for illumination and wisdom from the Spirit so I know which way to walk.   Today I start the offering to heed the words of Christ when He says, "Cast your burdens upon me, those who are heavily laden and I will give ...

I was trying to keep myself from writing about today because I'm not sure I'll be able to say anything great  about today.  But this blog is about being able to unearth the most honest of emotions so that I can process them raw and find myself making sense of its meaning through the words I carve out of thoughts.  So here goes. I am very disappointed at how some people at work think they're being supportive when they do not even have a clue about what is really going on and if what they are doing really supports you.  Today I had to deal with trifle matters that felt irrelevant because it had no impact on how things can be improved on.  I had to deal with people who would not give me feedback and leave emails un-replied because they choose to disregard how I've been following up incessantly to the point of probably being bothersome.  I think it's rather rude how people do not respond at all especially when things are important to you.  Sure, it m...

Today was better.  Two hours until it ends, I've finished 5 papers for investment justifications and put my heart out on the last one which encapsulated what I wanted to push forth the most.  Moving for commensurate compensation for our hardworking tenured staff.  It's different when you're pushing from an HR department perspective.  It feels very distant compared to if you're pushing because they are your staff and you know they deserve more than what they're getting now.  Sometimes when you've repeated to yourself that you're an HR practitioner, there is that feeling of indifference when you start encountering all these people issues day in and day out.  I've left the HR post since July of this year and was moved to the frontline of a strategic business unit and I can say that I continue to carry the flag of promoting the equity of human capital investments. In all the rush of trying to grab the business opportunities, we can easily lose sight of...

The streaming music from Ann Voskamp's website plays on repeat.  It soothes me tonight as I wait for my mind to uncoil after a long day of trying to figure out solutions to the problems in the workplace.  I have no definite answers in hand.  All I have are more questions and the fading of strength as I try to renew my mind and overcome the worldliness of needing to achieve something.  Trying to learn how to let go of that compulsion of "figuring something out".  Learning how to accept that some battles are not meant to be won just now.   We barely achieved much today but explaining that to those whose hawk eyes are unrelenting as they pass our floor to and fro is quite a feat.  So today I try to close in a prayerful disposition and lift up those who are hard to get along and convince that people did work hard today.  The mishaps occur because it is normal for teams to have a difficult time especially when everybody is trying to adjust. ...

I'm hobbling.  Yes.  I'm hobbling along this page with great dreams of writing and an inconsistent rhythm as I battle with words.  But this morning I found something.  A spark.  A breath of fresh air.  A new rhythm.   My gaze landed on this book I bought around 2 weeks ago.  It belonged to the batch of books I bought on impulse because I liked their book covers.  This one caught my eye because of the spread of angel's wings and the title.   Angelology .   I'm reading it slowly.  I don't want to rush into it.  The words melt on the palette like the banana caramel roll I just had for dessert.  It's one of those books you'd rather read on a rainy day but since it's not the least bit cloudy today, I'll take it as a holiday read.  It's forcing me to take the day off on Friday just so I won't lose the rhythm since I only have 3 working days to follow through this week.  Should I?  I should.   ...

Almost everyday I think about how I can live my life steadfastly anchored to the Faith.  Most of the time I am challenged by circumstances that force me to run counter to the values I try to practice especially in the area of business.  The past 2 years have taught me that leadership decisions are really made from a set of belief systems accumulated through experiences of learning and adapting in environments.  It becomes such a heavy weight to think about especially when you sit at the board room table talking about how to grow and make more money or how to fire someone in the most amicable way possible.  Since it becomes so heavy, you begin to suspend your thoughts from its influence and take on a mindset that adapts to the mindset of those around so that you can find yourself weaving perspectives that you can live with.  Like making excuses for somebody's misbehavior because they're in a bad mood, you find yourself making excuses for some circumstances that...

The life of grace in each Christian is not superimposed on human reality.  On the contrary, grace penetrates, enriches and perfects human nature.  That is why the Church requires its saints to be heroic in practicing not only the theological virtues but also the moral or human ones; and it is why people who are truly united to God through the theological virtues of faith, hope and love also perfect themselves humanly; they are refined in their relationships with others; they are loyal, affable, well-mannered, generous, sincere, precisely because they have placed all their affections in God. The supernatural order does not overwhelm or destroy the natural order.  The supernatural order lifts up and perfects the natural order, working in a manner which is suitable to its proper dignity and nature.  this is so because both orders proceed from God, who cannot be at odds with himself. Although grace in and of itself can transform people, God normally prefers to have gra...

I saw this leaf after I dropped by Starbucks this morning today.  It's the first time I've walked on city streets again.  Almost 3 years of working outside the city, this was a welcome treat.  I mused over a lot of the things I had yet to do and organize.  Planning schedules.  Delivery schedules.  Categorizing image types and final artwork activities.  Taking note of time.  Calculating time.  And there's the usual managing reactions of people you work with.   But, I don't mind.  I'm in a place that definitely feels a lot more liberating than where I was.  I'm using that side of my mind that spent 2 years in business school and yet remained dormant and underutilized for the past 2 years and half.  I'm looking at color almost everyday.   It's not IDEO.  It's not Google.  It's not the biggest creative company in the world and nor can I say that it's truly creative.  But it is as creative as it can get ...

I find myself finally in a moment where I can hear myself and the words that escape me these past few weeks.  I stare at a photo Adi took early in her move to London and it captures me today.  I move so far from the peace that surpasses all understanding when I lose my knowledge of Him. The world is so powerful when it invades my thoughts of what seems to be pressing and urgent.  Piles of work and people to please.  It's a cycle that's never-ending. This week, I pray I will not forget.  Where my strength lies.

So I have simplified this page because I need to sort out a lot of things in my mind.  Too much clutter does not help me de-clutter.  I'm barely a week and a half in my new post and although so much is piling up in just a few days, I can say that I'm feeling quite challenged and excited with this new move.  Handling a business unit is no joke.  There is so much information I have to absorb and learn.  But I am grateful because this opportunity has finally allowed me to practice most of the things I've learned in business school and at the same time see more progress in the line.   It is true then, that what makes a job fulfilling is progress.   It's been hard to measure the progress of my past role.  This does not mean that I've never moved forward but the impact I want has never materialized because of decisions that bottlenecked in the pipeline and has later on been forgotten. The busy-ness of the shop-floor has made me forget about the frust...

It's funny how I'm finding some time to sit and breathe this morning.  Like almost an absurd weight has been lifted from me.  I like talking about color.  I listening to people talk about color.  Yesterday was full of color and I'm realizing that each day has been a preparation of the day after.   I've been relocated to another group and as much as there have been melancholy ponderings and subtle sighs of discontent I have begun to accept that where I am is no longer where I can make a difference.  God moves in mysterious ways and ironically He brings me to a place where I never knew I really wanted to be. In the middle of machines that produce color and transforms blank paper sheets into images that talk and speak of color and words.  Society likes color.  Absence of it is excruciating boredom that makes people restless in wanting their dreams fulfilled.  I have been restless for too long and waiting for answers for too long.  Fightin...

I have to admit that as my writing rhythm waned, so has my prayer life.  I have not been able to balance the time in between.  As more things need to be done at work, I need more time to learn about them.  The time I use to learn more about work becomes time away from deepening my spiritual life.  How can I find the wisdom to always have a good balance between the two?   The load of work becomes an impenetrable wall that encloses me into a routine of thinking only about what needs to be done.  Compartmentalization does not do me any good at all.  It keeps me from being integrated and responding in a peaceful way to the circumstances that stretch me beyond my usual capabilities.   So I find myself browsing through my subscriptions this morning.  Firstly, finding that the anxiety of pondering over these things is being washed away by the background music of Katherine's page .  I've been  trying to catch up on her posts and draw to o...