i write to believe.

This morning a friend showed me another person's words that fell on my heart and broke it.   I spent the past week sorting out this part of me and that part of me and I wonder what part of me remains put together from the parts of me that lives fragmented.  It's painful and beautiful.  It's barren and pregnant.  I move to and fro and I move without knowing because if I rest at one place trying to figure out where and what I'm moving towards, I'm afraid I'll stop and I won't have enough courage to hold on to a pen.   This past week I experienced quite a lot of things different from how I would experience a week at work. From conversations on machines and problems that affected how a person can remain productive throughout a day to thinking about a cafe's interior and what kind of food to serve and actually tasting it in an unexpected lunch treat.  To three hours of exchanging thoughts on how a culinary experience can be engaging and creative.   ...

I've been looking through my Facebook groups for the past hour and a half and realized that I have not been so actively involved in them for a while.  Not to mention I have not been so involved with the ministry for a while too.  Despite having served in the last Life in the Spirit seminar, I feel distant from community life because of so many things that are happening in the work place.  It makes me sad that work seems to "take me away" from the life that refreshes me and strengthens my soul to remain steadfast during these moments. Sometimes I ask myself, "What if I give up?  What if I just stop toiling away everyday and forcing myself to see the good in this environment and just choose the easier path which is to stop and serve the Lord full time?"  I remember when I decided that just right after my business school graduation.  Instead of going on a job hunt, I decided to be a youth minister.   As much as I want to say that right now would be a go...

I'm currently reading a novel written by a Filipina who is the first ever Filipina published by Random House.   Samantha Sotto is an online friend .  I met her in Shewrites.com when I was still actively pursuing my writing rhythm early this year.  Unfortunately that has been fluctuating given all the demands of my day job.  But it never stops me from enjoying a good story. I've been looking for a good read for the longest time.  A story that will just hook me in and give me another world to visit.  I'm just on the 25th page of Samantha's book and it's tantalizing.  Just the right amount of anticipation.  The imagery of Europe is magical through the lyrical descriptions in her words.  I want my Saturday to be filled with enjoying every turning of its pages. Sam, you inspire me to keep pursuing writing.  Congratulations on this one! got my copy in national bookstore

Give sorrow all the space and shelter in yourself that is its due, for if everyone bears grief honestly and courageously, the sorrow that now fills the world will abate.  But if you do not clear a decent shelter for your sorrow and instead reserve the most of the space inside you for hatred and thoughts of revenge--from which new sorrows will be born for others--then sorrow will never cease in this world and will multiply.  And if you have given sorrow the space its gentle origins demand, then you may truly say:  life is beautiful and so rich.  So beautiful and so rich that it makes you want to believe in God. - Etty Hillesum

I have to admit that as my writing rhythm waned, so has my prayer life.  I have not been able to balance the time in between.  As more things need to be done at work, I need more time to learn about them.  The time I use to learn more about work becomes time away from deepening my spiritual life.  How can I find the wisdom to always have a good balance between the two?   The load of work becomes an impenetrable wall that encloses me into a routine of thinking only about what needs to be done.  Compartmentalization does not do me any good at all.  It keeps me from being integrated and responding in a peaceful way to the circumstances that stretch me beyond my usual capabilities.   So I find myself browsing through my subscriptions this morning.  Firstly, finding that the anxiety of pondering over these things is being washed away by the background music of Katherine's page .  I've been  trying to catch up on her posts and draw to o...

I'm trying to get comfortable and reacquainted with this page which I have promised myself to become the home for my words.  I've done a little bit of "spring cleaning" and removed a lot of unnecessary clutter that just take away my attention from what I really needed to focus on.  Perhaps it is the changing of seasons.  When work becomes busier I need to be quieter.  I need less rowdy interaction.  I need more spaces of pondering.  I need more time to exhale and find peace.   But it becomes such a paradox because when I am busiest, all this is so hard to achieve.  To find that creative part in my mind and lock in to a flow that liberates me from mindless paralysis is something that I have never fully achieved yet. My words are stumbling clumsily over this page.  I have lost ear to the cadence that pulsates when I hear my thoughts and are comfortable with them.  It's like not feeling my own heartbeat.  So much of my thoughts about...

I've been forcing it.  Trying to pry myself open.  After a long week of creative hibernation.  I needed to keep the sensitive capability to draw out meaning from every moment at bay.  For emotions and sensations in the middle of the political workplace are too sharp to lay my thoughts on.  They pierce.  What's more is that they remain unabsolved of a possible redemption.   I had a long discussion with Dad about the difficulties of making decisions.  I told him about what I faced at work and I saw in his face a contorted look of disbelief.  So he shook his head and told me to make people attend the trainings they needed so they will learn because it will be too hard to do it on my own. It's all easier said than done.  I circle in this story of a family organizational saga.  Much similar to the saga of the school my grandparents left behind.  Only now do I understand how difficult it has been.   So I keep prying myself op...

Katherine's words feel like feathers.  Her blog is at evlogiaonline .  Reading her posts make me feel like I'm too noisy.  Like I'm a cluttered mind next to hers.  But her room online has caught me thinking about my own thoughts just before Christmas.  I haven't really been able to think.  Work takes up intellectual space again.   But today I am looking forward to going up to the mountains and visiting Sonya's Garden .  My staff has asked me to take them there today and pass by a church on the way.  Our year end celebration.  Reconditioning.   I'd like today to be a good and reflective day please.