Anxious No More

There are many interesting things that have been happening to me these past 3 weeks. It's been a journey out of and into another chapter of my life.  And this chapter is the chapter that makes me face that thing I want to do the most.  Write.  

The stories on this page have been slow because I've been trying to discover what it is that I want to really write about and when I ask myself this question, I begin to ask myself the most important question: what am I really about? 

It doesn't feel so difficult to ask now compared to before.  I'd squirm and I'd let my gaze wander off into a blank wall or I'd stiffen up and change the subject because I don't really want to dig in too deep and ask myself that because I fear the answer to that question.  I fear having to say it out loud.  I fear having to type it out here.  

What am I really about?  I don't really know.  

I don't really have it all figured out just yet.  It's been a while since I've looked into what I want to do and where I want to take my life but the past few months have led me to make decisions of leaving a job and moving into another kind of work that doesn't really let me walk on stable ground but it's given me the most opportunity to discover what it is that I'm really good at doing.  

And it's not a canned position where I receive a written document full of sentences dictated by someone who probably does not understand what I can do.  It's not an all boxed up role where I should only be doing one particular thing and not cross over to another activity because it would somehow have this awkward feeling of overlapping on to another person's responsibility.  It's that kind of work that let's you discover yourself in the process and by doing that you begin to discover what you're really good at. 

I've decided to start a career in consulting.  It feels the most appropriate to me given this whole need to be liberated from the constraints of systems and structures that stifle and suck out opportunities to be creative.  It also gives me the opportunity to choose.  The old paradigm of employment simply puts you in the waiting end.  If you do not fit the mold, you have to settle for the next best thing.  But these days, I'm seeing people who flourish creating opportunities for themselves and that tells me, if you don't fit the mold, then create one for yourself.  

I think, I've wallowed in the victim's pit for too long.  I've analyzed my own situation back and forth, inside and out.  So the past 3 weeks have been some sort of springboard journey to see if I can pick up my own weight and move forward into an adventure of creating this space that I can fill and be of help to others by being the best version of myself.

God, in the middle of all this, has been a faithful companion.  I sit with His words in the morning and mull them over until deep into the night.  And His faithfulness washes like a river's flow and soothes all the old aches and pains of busy work toil.  These days have been uncovering for me what it's like to really Believe in Him.  The things He says He will do.  The promises that have been written unfold slowly but I get to see them come to pass.  

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

linking up with Emily for Imperfect Prose Thursdays