i write to believe.

I am set to travel to Rome tomorrow to participate in the canonization of the second Filipino saint, Blessed Pedro Calungsod.  I have been waiting for this trip for several months and did not even think I'd get this opportunity again.  I'll be traveling with family to visit several cities in Europe and taking them in a second time around.  This moment I feel blessed.  That despite the difficulties I've faced the past few years, the pilgrim's journey always culminates into that wonderful realization that indeed "all things work together for the good of those who love God."   I understand that a little bit more today.  My mind stayed on the words of Isaiah and his 53rd chapter.  The promises that fill his prophesies of an abundant life.   Despite those things I felt I've lost because of so much pressures in the work environment, today I find myself gaining Christ and like Paul, today I can say this is all that matters.  ...

It's been a while since I've allowed myself to enjoy "girl things".  Today was spent with my sister shopping at the mall to finish off our Europe Trip list.  I didn't have enough wardrobe that could fit the autumn weather and so I decided to go to UniQlo to enjoy their knits and fleece collection . I haven't been up to date with any of the fashion trends at all nor have I even been taking the time to look at myself in the mirror.  But I let myself enjoy this time with my sister and relish the few moments of enjoying girly things. I love knitted sweaters and anything warm and cozy.  I love autumn colors and it seems that I've always traveled in this weather. I'm grateful for these things.  To enjoy these things today and enjoy my sister's company while I'm at it.

I sit silently this morning and remember my grandmother's chair.  This was what stood out in her entire living room when I visited her home a few months after she had passed.  This was where she sat and prayed.  Her prayer book constantly before her.  Her table was stacked with notebooks and little lose notes scattered across different colored pens.  I would say she sat there with a constant purpose.   To remember.   It is  this same discipline that I suppose I have inherited.  Every morning, I wake up and sit on my chair.  Lean against the desk and leaf through my prayer book, check my email, Twitter and Facebook and remember.   It is when I remember that I get to slow down and find my eyes slowly opening to see.  Finding my fists slowly unclenching.  It is in remembering that I am able to fully receive the meaning of things that have taken place.  It is in remembering where I find the strength to d...

She ran out of the prayer gathering and  heaved back a sob.  The room was dark and she thought that no one would notice.  I felt the weight she carried on her shoulders and lowered my raised hands.  While deep into the prayer I was stirred.   When a young heart breaks I can hear it.  I walked out quietly and unnoticed.  Just like she did.  I wandered out into the parking lot of the empty church and tried to look for her on the empty benches of the courtyard.  She wasn't there.   I could hear her silent weeping.  Muffled cries she didn't want anybody to hear.  I went back inside the hall and asked a friend to join me to look for her.  We found her in the empty pews of the darkened chapel.  She sat near the tabernacle as if wanting to just be near her Savior's feet.   I tapped her shoulder and whispered to ask if she was okay.  She smiled shy and quiet.  I sat beside her and asked ag...

I used to do this every Saturday morning when the rhythm of my life was right.  I'd get my camera and go around the house and look for things I can capture and find beauty in. Since I'm heading to Rome in a few days, I'm thinking that I need to get back into the habit again. I was just telling my friend Toni this morning how significant it has been for us to have started our love for photography during our dorm days in business school.  It began as a camera phone hobby to help us through our daily pressures.  It became a treasure hunt & each photograph became a valuable expression of our dependence on God because how we are seeing the world with new eyes. I try to begin again.  And I'm fumbling with it.  But irregardless of how I've taken these pictures, it doesn't really matter if its perfect.  What matters is that my heart changes with every click of shutter. It is in every corner I turn that I yearn to see gr...

It's the 12th day of being Awakened and it almost comes to an end but tonight I find this moment to just focus on what I have finally found so far. I've found out that I am not alone in this journey and I have come across beautiful stories of women who have walked this same path and even wrestle with it still. I've found that there lies in me a very intense longing to be consumed by the Greatness of God and to disappear into the folds of His cloak.  To rest like a small child in her Father arms and just be small like that without restraint. I've found that there is more to path of gratitude and joy.  There is more to this awakening and I have not touched its essence to the core just yet.  In fact I have only just begun again. I'm learning to be gentle with myself when I am not able to grasp certain things right away like handling certain problems or issues.  Understanding with depth the books that I'm reading.  Helping other people completely...

I quietly make my way to my desk and stare across the room at my couch filled with things ready for packing.  They're all in there.  My clothes and what not.  Ready to be packed in a suitcase and go to Europe.  It hasn't quite sunk in yet that I will be experiencing this after a long time.  I haven't really been to a foreign place twice and this is my first time to experience going to some of the places in Europe a second time.   I'm looking forward to that feeling of knowing a little bit about the place and not being a complete stranger to it.  There is something very warm and comforting about being somewhat familiar with the first scene that you see as you step out of the airport.  The distinct smell of the air and the muffled chatter of people passing by.  The different shades of green and orange hues of trees changing color in the fall.  

Today was gratitude day.   For the first moment where I take in that deep breath and say "I'm on a vacation."  The breath is a slow inhale and exhale.  None of the hurriedness that forces me to jump from one minute to the next without thinking or seeing.  Today I try to count, though slowly, the things that bless me and on top is the delightful moment of eating french toast at the UCC cafe without worrying how many emails had I not read or if I was running late for a meeting.  Today was gratitude for seeing a sweet enchanting swirl on the creamy caramel froth of coffee that was warm on my lips and just about right for the morning. Sipping while quietly reading through words of encouragement from women who knew their way and found moments of grace in every single thing they saw.  I thought to myself, I want to be like them someday.   Today was gratitude for the time I was free to roam around my favorite bookstore without thinking...

There were those years when I used to really love taking photographs and writing captions on them just like this.  I took this one in Italy and I printed it out & framed it on an 8 x 11 inch frame to give to my grandaunt who loved telling stories about the love of her life.  There were those years when I would drink those conversations in and told myself that one day I will write about them.  My grandaunt has passed away for about 4 to 5 years and her handwritten journals are locked away in a chest that's gathering dust in the corner of my room.   There were those years when I would write lengthy handwritten letters to my cousins and to my two bestfriends in college.  We'd exchange a great deal of thoughts in pages upon pages that I'd eagerly await in the mail.  The internet wasn't at its height back then so it would take two weeks or a month to get a reply but we'd keep at it anyway because the stories just brought so much warmth in our lives...

Today is the 9th day of Awaken.   And I find myself at a pause pondering over these words "He sees us in our fullness--no part of us is unawake to Him." I led such a tiring day.  In fact my weariness started last night.  I had some issues to settle and the work today seemed to just pile up with so much urgency that even if I had wanted to slow down and appreciate my remaining days before a month long vacation, I couldn't slow down.  I have asked myself what it would take to just find the balance I need to appreciate this life.  This pace. When the busy-ness starts to eat up your waking moments, it becomes this creature that controls.  Then you start to forget that there were more important things to be preoccupied with than all these anxieties. I forgot the peaceful rhythm because I had wanted to "get things over with" and with that felt the impatience for unresolved issues creeping in.  Peace has been robbed and for most of the day, it looked...

A nudge has prompted me to write on this page again.  Perhaps it's a buried hope.  That ounce of hope I thought I no longer had but has been unearthed.  I start with small steps.  Devoting some time on the reflections that are leading me to understand that my burdens come from a place that needs to be further healed.  So I walk this journey again.  Slowly and trying to let go of the burdens little by little.   She helps me walk.  Believes in me and tells me that I am not alone.  Many have gone through this as well and many have overcome.   On my 7th day and reflecting to hearing Jesus' heart beat.  The one thing I needed to surrender to Him this weekend was this great big fear of not being able to keep my life under control.  I've hobbled my way to believing that this career and this current stature I possess brings me the success I could be proud of.  I thought that being able to work this hard and ...